Thursday, November 5, 2009

Sorry about not posting

Hey everyone,

Sorry I didn't post anything I know you are all looking forward to what I am going to say.

Before I start I have to say that I thank all of you for commenting on my previous post whether it was good or bad. I really appreciate the criticism but I probably will not let it effect how I write.

Anyways, Tuesday was interesting… I worked with Kat and we talked about the best ways to quit which was interesting we came up with some cool ideas none of which I will be using. At lunch Kat didn't eat I watched as she gathered up all of her belongings and went out in search of jobs. I was fine with that I figured it was going to be one of those days and I mentally prepared myself for the fact that she was not going to eat. I used to let stuff like that eat me up but now I can relax and know that she is trying. Then after a few hours one of our managers spotted an uneaten sandwich and before anyone else could lay claims on it, Kat jumped in and took it. That shocked me I didn't think she was going to eat…

Later on I called Kat, as I normally do, and I asked about the sandwich. She said she had eaten it and then thrown it right back up. My heart dropped. I thought maybe she was going to eat after all. When I first found out she was throwing up, every time she did I would get really upset. Not to her but after we talked. But this time I saw it coming…

I remember one time after work we went for a walk around the plaza waiting for her parents to come pick us up; we hugged for what seemed like an hour it made me sooo happy. Then later on that night, while we were talking, she told me that she had thrown up. My heart felt like it was exploding. How could she do that? We hugged and cuddled each other earlier I thought that might change something… it didn't. Oh well I learned my lesson didn't I. After I talked to her on the phone I cried myself to sleep… I didn't do that much but that time was the hardest.

Anyways, she told me about her walk after work and how she fell. How it terrified her. It sent shivers down my spine… I didn't know what to say. I couldn't be there to help her; I couldn't do anything. She dropped the subject by saying that she did end up eating soup.

Yesterday was ok. Kat ate. She didn't throw up. It made me so proud. We didn't get to see each other like we normally do on Wednesdays because she had an interview and she could not come to our church event. So instead I decided to surprise her on her walk. Not a good idea. First off her walks are time for her to be alone. But she always told me how lonely they made her feel. Second she smoked on those walks. I hadn't seen her smoke before I didn't care too much. I don't really approve of smoking. Third I was not able to stay for long because I was wanted at home. Which understandably made her annoyed because she thought that walk was going to be different. On the plus side I did get to give her a hug. She really likes hugs.

I went to church. Came home and talked to Kat again. She told me how annoyed that made her. I felt really bad for doing that to her. So we will see how today goes when I talked to her on the phone a few hours ago she seemed happy which was good. I hope today is better…

Before I go I wanted to say as far as those posts on me not being able to save her by myself… I know I cannot I have God on my side. Whether you believe in God or not; I don't really care to be quite honest. He is what drives me. That is what I believe in.

Talk to you all soon


  1. Sometimes it's just a Help to Love and to give the feeling of being there

  2. I worry that your attention and now this blog will encourage her to keep on being messed up. Good luck to you both I hope things get sorted.

  3. I'd like to thank you for writing this blog. It really got me when you said you cried. I worry about how I affect others with my disorder, but I never really thinking of them being worried when I'm not actually there. Your blog's a really nice idea. :3

  4. Love her like Jesus. Wether you "save her" or not doesnt measure up to that love. Youre a great person, Paul

  5. i like to read this blog, really i do.

    but part of me is sad when i read it, because it makes me wonder what I am doing to people with my own disorder...

    well its a good thing she has you, really

  6. I don't think you're helping anyone with this huge focus on food. For instance, that you're so "proud" of Kat when she doesn't throw up or that you ask her about a sandwich when you two talk on the phone... If you really didn't want to reinforce her behavior, you wouldn't make it such a huge focus in your relationship. Instead, you would help her focus on the other aspects of her life, and you would tell her how proud you were for other things...

  7. referencing to what Blair said, i really don't think there is any right OR wrong way to go about this. it's a tough situation.
    my boyfriend always says how he is proud of me when i'm strong, and i dont throw up, and it makes me feel like its worth it.
    if that works for you, keep going. a girl's self-hatred can be healed even for just a minute with the encouragement of someone she loves.

    you're doing well paul.
    take care.

  8. I have one bit of advice to offer... Don't become fixated on getting Kat to eat. It's a bandaid solution to an eating disorder (espcecially to an ED that results as much in not eatign as binging and purging). Encourage her to be healthy. Go for walks with her. Workout together. Even try cooking super healthy meals together. Focus on picking healthy habits (and excerise is a great one, that the to of you can do together) that will help Kat. Exercise releases endorphins in your brain, which make you feel good - and feel good without guilt (unlike food). And feeling good is something someone with an ED does not ewxperience often.

  9. I like your blog and it makes me feel like shit. Sorry about the swearing . I don't want to get help though , but it makes me want to help others , not that I'm saying that they need help . I have divided thoughts on the subject . I want Kat to be thin but I don't want her to be sick. Good luck on understanding this , cause even I don't understand it.
    You seem to be a pure soul.

  10. I know your situation. My boyfriend is/was anorexic/bulimic. I didn´t know it when we started dating and later I thought I was imagining it but it got worse and although he is a lot taller than me he weighed less (and I´m not fat or something). After talking to his flatmate who confirmed my suspicions I talked to my boyfriend. It was a long and difficult talk but in the end I managed to ask him to look for professional help. Then it took some more weeks of him having health problems and of me complaining about the bones that were everywhere and telling him that I won´t change my feelings if he gained weight until he went to see a psychologist.
    He told me it helped him a lot when I said that he is way too skinny, that he should gain weight, that it won´t change my feelings, that I´m worried. Although he knew all this, it was good for him to hear it and to remember it in times he stood in front of the mirror worrying about the last apple.
    In the moment he is a lot better, I hope it stays like this.
    I wish you and Kat to be able to cope with the situation, too. Even if it is hard to do the step, I think seeing a psychologist is a good way. You can´t do all the work yourself because sooner or later it will ruin the relationship. There´s some stuff you don´t want to talk about with your partner and you don´t want to know it about your partner. Good luck!

  11. I just started reading Kat's blog when you started yours. Anyway, I think this is a great thing your doing. I never thought about how eating disorders effect relationships. I know that's weird that I have never considered it especially because I'm sure my relationships would be different if I wasn't this way. It's insightful.

  12. Hi Paul,

    I'm glad for Kat that you're so supportive and want to help her. I was anorexic and then bulimic for 17 years, and God saved me from that - no boyfriend or husband. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you: